One of the main reasons I have created this blog was to
share my own experiences and for it to have an impact on this world. Well in
this post I’m going to be very personal and very transparent. As you know from
a previous post that I hate respectability politics, one of the primary reasons
why is because I was raised with respectability politics.
I grew up in a small town called Lake Jackson, Texas. The
population is not very diverse. My parents raised me to be an example to other
black people. They would often tell me that I was a representative of them in
everything I did. Now, I understand that children are a reflection of their
parents, however, children are still individuals. I grew up primarily without
being able to really craft or develop my own identity. My parents would pick
out my clothes. I wasn’t permitted to bring home grades that were less than an
A without being punished. I was supposed to behave in a “respectable manner” at
all times. This meant that I had to speak perfect English at all times. In our
home everything had to be immaculate, nothing out of place. My parents were
very hypercritical of everything I did. Very rarely did they complement me or
praise me for my achievements. The expectation was to be the best at all times.
Now, the problem with this respectability politics model of
parenting is that I felt that I couldn’t be me. I couldn’t be gay because that
was considered to be unrespectable. I couldn’t make any mistakes because I
would be punished for such. I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. My
parents would immediately dismiss my feelings. I wasn’t allowed to go to
counseling because they didn’t want people to know what was going on at home. I
couldn’t share what was going on to other people because that would be telling
folks “our business.” On the outside,
our family had earned the respectability of our community. On the inside, we
weren’t a family. The warmth was not there. The support was not there. The love
was not there.
Now that I am older, I am now realizing the effects of this
respectability politics parenting has had on me. I am very much a perfectionist
and I am afraid of making mistakes out of a fear of punishment or being
perceived as being less than. I put my intelligence out there because I want
people to respect that aspect of myself, but it hard for me to “turn it on or
turn it off.” I don’t feel that I have to because my intelligence is very
central and important to me, but it does make it hard for me to relax and let
my hair down. It’s hard for me to open up to people because I didn’t learn how
to do that growing up. I am very defensive of myself and my feelings because
they weren’t reaffirmed or accepted but constantly challenged. I can be
sensitive about criticisms or when people play the dozens with me because I was
always getting criticized about everything about myself and never felt good
enough. I hold on to people fiercely at times because of the fact that not many
people in my family has stayed around when times got hard. I walk on eggshells
because I learned that in order to successfully maneuver as a child that was
what was required because if an egg cracked it would lead to punishment,
neglect, or abandonment. Materialism was a very big thing growing up because my
parents would think that because they bought something it would equate to love.
The mantra would be “we provide you with a house over your head and all these
things, why wouldn’t we do it if we didn’t love you.” However, just because you
buy something doesn’t mean its love. Especially when you are guided by
respectability politics and you want the community and the world to see the
power of what successful black people can do. Often it was just for show and
not about real love. For me that developed a certain level of materialism that
can be present in my relationships. I often get very defensive when I don’t
feel like I’m being heard because I would literally have to scream in order to
be heard.
It’s funny, one of the things my dad would always say to me
was that he was going to give “child abuse a whole new meaning.” I’m realizing
that he did in fact succeed in doing that. My parents raised me on
respectability politics and it really did a number on me.
I recognize this and I recognize that I have my issues that
I am working on as a result of this. However, through this post what I hope
that you realize is that we cannot raise children on a respectability politics
model. Children need to be allowed to develop their individuality. They need to
be able to express that individuality without fear of punishment or that you as
a parent will not love them for who they truly are. Let your kids know that
they are good enough, worthy enough, and are enough just by being themselves.
If you don’t, and I am a testament to that, you can create anger, bitterness,
and resentment.
I hope this provides a little more insight into me and where
I’m coming from. I am a work in progress and a product of my environment. I
refuse to let that child abuse stop me. However, understand this, people go
through things in life. Nobody has the perfect life. Ask questions before you
judge. Compassion is necessary and an incredible gift.
Thanks for reading,
The BGM
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